There’s something I’ve battled with over the last few years, as I’ve worked my way through the healing journey. Something that’s leaves me feeling conflicted in a ‘did I do the right thing’ kind of paralysis. You know, the whole ‘does this sit with the values of who I am, of what I preach’ – and we all know that I’m a preacher!
Basically, it’s when it comes to speaking out about how I feel, when I feel hurt by the actions of another. I guess this is because I know that by expressing how I feel it means that it’ll leave the other person feeling upset too, which of course means that I’m then the one causing the upset – moral dilemma 101!
Personally I believe that we all have the potential to be the victim or the villain – I especially, can be reactive, judgement and hurtful at times. I know that I can also be the one who feels pain when someone is nasty, aggressive or hurtful towards me. I think we’re all somewhere along this spectrum and that we can sway along it in varying degrees, in fact I think that’s completely natural and normal to do so.
What I don’t agree with though, is people causing hurt towards another because they’re unaware that they’re doing it or because they’re not taking personal responsibility to heal their own pain.
Because this is how trauma is passed on – unconsciously.
We’re all human and most of us have negative behavioural patterns, ways that we’ve been taught to respond to certain pains in our life, certain traumas. Most of us picked up these patterns throughout our developmental stages of life and for the most part, they remain unchallenged.
The problem is when these patterns are destructive to our relationships, and we’re not even aware that we’re doing it.
Patterns such as dismissing or belittling a partner’s feelings, teasing a sibling or shouting at a colleague. What bothers me most is the censorship around this – how many of us don’t speak up when we feel hurt, so because of the unawareness it continues.
Lately I’ve committing to stopping this censorship within myself, and I invite you to do the same.
If you’re looking at where to start with this, I strongly recommend reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson.
Be the one who speaks up when you experience hurtful behaviour.
Tell that person who you love – I love you but I feel upset and I no longer wanted to be treated like this.
I know what I’m asking isn’t easy but without this we’re not going to change this behaviour and we’re not going to eradicate hurtful behaviour.
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I’m on a mission to create a greater sense wellbeing for ourselves and the planet that we live on. To teach others how to connect authentically with themselves, so they can connect authentically with others. It starts with learning self-awareness, maintaining a strong value system that serves us, and having the emotional intelligence to move through a whole spectrum of emotions so we can connect without attachment.
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With courage, Shereen x