Are You Outrunning Your Emotions? If You Were, Would You Know?

I love to travel. It’s what I spend all my money on pretty much as soon as I get it. It’s not just the exploration of visiting new places and challenging the social norms that I bring with me but I love the actual travelling part too. Whether it’s a plane, boat or train I enjoy the suspension of knowing that I will be somewhere soon and have the time to build up the excitement within me for that next place.

What I didn’t realise is that for the past few years that I’ve travelled I’ve used it as a tool to escape when people came too close. I didn’t see it back then because I wasn’t consciously aware that I was doing it but nowadays I am conscious of this and I question myself when I embark on a new journey – am I leaving to run away from something or am I running towards something? And what might that something be?

 

This week I’m in Palma de Mallorca and the feelings that I have inside me are excitement, nourishment and an overwhelming sense of joy just to be here. Mallorca is the place where I arrive two years ago by boat on my first yacht delivery and from the moment that we secured the lines I liked the place. It felt like a place I could settle in, I speak Spanish, I love the people and enjoy the food and the culture so I decided to rent a flat here for 6 months and finally plant some roots whilst studying for my Yachtmaster. Those 6 months didn’t go quite as planned as a month later the traumas started rolling in, heartbreak and then getting attacked. I remember coming back to this place that I love so dearly in January 2015 (after having returned from the Caribbean) and feeling like I really didn’t want to be here. No matter what friends were here who were here before I felt like a stranger, no matter what places I knew previously I felt like a foreigner and no matter how much the sun shines, inside I felt dark and broken and un-fixable. The place which I’d finally decided to call home was now the last place I wanted to be and with that, I ended my flat rental early and moved back to my parents house in the UK where I started to see a counsellor to help me get through the post-traumatic stress that was starting to pop up in my life.

 

Since then I have visited Palma, I stayed for a month in May 2015 in between yacht deliveries. Although I didn’t feel as strongly negative towards the place as I had done in January I remember still feeling very unsettled inside, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be in Palma, I just didn’t actually want to be anywhere. So I jumped on the next delivery to Athens and continued to run away from those feelings, not realising that they would be on the dock in Athens waiting for me to pick them up again.

 

This time, it’s different, I feel different. I’ve got the carefree confidence of travelling that I had before being smashed by the traumas, but with the knowledge that I have real strength now to stop and sit through discomfort, vulnerability and any other intense negative emotion. I had it all along but I was so scared to deal with those negative feelings that I was never willing to find out that inner strength until it was tested. What’s interesting is visiting the same places where I once felt loved and also once felt destroyed, reflecting on this and realising that I was projecting the feelings that I had inside out onto my external environment. Whereas now I realise that if I can maintain a positive feeling inside then the outside reflects this back at me. Now that doesn’t mean pretending to be happy and positive on the outside when I’m actually feeling insecure or upset on the inside, no, infact that would mean putting on a superficial mask and basically bullsh*tting myself. It means giving space to those negative emotions when the arise to validate them, express them and let them pass so I can go back into my generally positive outlook, which is now back to being my centre point. Without doing that I know that the negative feelings will keep on popping up until they are dealt with and no matter how many miles I travel they will still be right there with me.

 

“Resistance means Persistence” is what a good friend in Bali once told me. “The more you try to busy yourself away from the difficult emotions, the more they’ll persist until you deal with them” she would say, and she was right. They did.

 

It’s a reminder to me that when my first reaction is no, or I don’t want to be here, or I don’t need to do that, to stop and see what emotion is driving that response. Is it fear from being vulnerable? Am I running away from something that I need to deal with? Or is there something else at play? Questions and reflections that keep me on an ever-learning path.

I want to create a world of greater wellbeing for ourselves and the planet that we live on. That’s why I’m starting an honest conversation about wellbeing; encompassing self care, emotional intelligence, body and mind awareness, personal development, and authenticity. If you want to learn more about these subjects then then head over to www.shereensoliman.com to find out more about the packages I offer.

Sending self care vibes,

Shereen x

 

 

 

 

Can Underwater Massage Help With Trauma Recovery? A Therapist Explores…

Whilst sitting at a beach restaurant on Haad Salad beach, North-West of Koh Phangan island (Thailand) there was something happening in the water that caught my eye. From what I could see it was a man performing some kind of dance routine with a woman which involved him pulling her in, underneath and through the water. This intrigued me and I had to find out more of what this dance movement was, coincidentally it turned out to be a type of therapy – Wataflow

Wataflow is a type of massage that combines massage, stretching, dance and meditation in the medium of water. It is said to relax and calm the mind and help with emotional blockages, stress, and anxiety. After reading up on this I decided to book a treatment and review it in my current therapies research. You can find out more about the therapy and how it was created here and if you’re in Thailand and would like to book the therapist that I have reviewed (Miguel) you can get in touch with him here.

My research is set into three parts – description of the session, how I felt directly before and after the treatment, my overall review.

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The Session

I met my Wateflow Therapist Miguel at a beach on the East Coast of Koh Phangan where the sea was deep enough for the treatment and there weren’t too many people around. First, we sat down and he talked me through the process of what would happen and what I could expect from the treatment. Then he asked what my reasons were for wanting the treatment – I explained the trauma that I had been through in the last year and that I was experiencing some anxiety, panic attacks and physical pain from what I believed were emotional blockages because I don’t freely express difficult emotions. He then asked how I felt to be around water and underneath it, to which I replied that I used to feel quite at ease being a scuba diver, sailor, and strong swimmer but seen as the smallest of things sometimes feel like challenges these days I explained that I might feel ok now but if I feel triggered throughout the session then I might have an adverse reaction. Miguel took all this on board and explained that I would receive the best from the treatment if I could try to completely let go and trust him in the water. I knew that this might be a challenge especially with him being a man as all my trauma situations have related to men but there was something calming in his nature that allowed me to relax in his presence. After the consultation, he talked me through some breathing exercises, which we then did and then we went into the water.

For the next 60 minutes, Miguel moved me in, out and through the water in a series of stretches and movements. They started quite gradually without much submersion in the water and for the first few moments as he moved me around, he hummed a song. He also did this at the end which basically signified the start and the end of the massage. Gradually, the submerged time and depth underneath the water increased as Miguel sensed that I became more comfortable and relaxed. Some of the movements I was familiar with as they were similar to positions that I have been in with Yoga, Acro Yoga and Thai massages but the feeling of being weightless in the water made everything seem like a lot less effort. I had my eyes closed for the whole treatment and my breathing was steady and slow but I was prompted by a subtle double tap from Miguel to hold my breath ready for a submersion. During these times I was flexed forwards, backwards and sideways in what was literally a three-dimensional massage. I was also gently floated up, gently submerged deeper and pulled through the water at different speeds and different directions which was a very surreal feeling. Throughout the whole thing, I don’t remember thinking much, it was almost as though because the sensation of being moved through the water was so strong then I actually lost the capacity to think altogether. The times when things did pop into my head it was an observation about how I was feeling which went something like I feel like a baby or I feel like a fish apart from this I think I just felt quite calm and free. I remember the sound of the bubbles as I flowed through the water and feeling of my body floating up to the surface and out of the water, being gently brushed by the air and even now to draw upon those thoughts, it leaves me feeling relaxed. There were some points when I felt the strong urge to take a breath and felt a little discomfort when I was submerged but I realised that these times were irrespective of the amount of time I was being held under water and instead they related to the actual experience. Most of the times when I felt this, it was when my hair momentarily covered my face and it went dark and also when my back was close to the sea bed. At one point my back was rested against the seabed and my legs were at right-angle in the water and I felt quite panicked and jerked my feet which Miguel sensed and brought me up to the surface for a breath. As darkness, hair across my face and being pinned up against something are some of my PTSD triggers it makes sense that I would feel uncomfortable at these points, however, a part of re-framing triggers is to experience them in a comfortable surrounding so exposing me to such triggers in such a relaxing experience will actually work towards my trauma recovery rather than against it.

The final part of the treatment involved Miguel bringing me out of the water and onto the beach. Before he did this, he finished off the massage the same way he had begun – by doing some lighter submerged movements and humming a tune. Then he pulled me up to the beach, until I was half out of the water, where he massaged my head, neck, and shoulders and also pressed on some meridian points. I was shaking quite noticeably when I was brought out of the water and although this may have been because I was cold it also felt like the kind of shaking that happens after I’ve had a panic attack but I hadn’t had one. My eyes also felt a little tired as though I had cried which I may have done in the water but I couldn’t actually tell. Miguel then sat me upright and left me to open my eyes and have the time I needed to do whatever I felt like.

I decided to get back into the water, wash off the sand and float for a little while, reflecting on the experience I had just had. Afterwards, I walked back up the beach and we had a chat about my experience, this is when the emotion hit me. He told me that he didn’t feel any resistance from me throughout the treatment and that I seemed relaxed which was true in my own evaluation as well. I explained that I felt really comforted and somewhat protected throughout the treatment which is when I started to cry because that’s how my Dad would make me feel. Saying that out loud tapped into how empty and afraid I’d felt after the attack and how much these feelings were magnified when my Dad died, as though the only man who I could trust to protect me and not break my heart wasn’t there any longer. Miguel hugged me at this point and I just cried without holding back. To be honest, given the explanation of how the treatment worked I expected that I would probably cry afterwards but having someone stay present with me and accept this emotion helped me accept it too. As it was getting close to 6pm and the sun was starting to set I decided to sit on the beach with Miguel and watch the sunset with the crowd that was slowly gathering. He pointed out a man who was swinging a small baby around by the legs and arms as though the baby was weightless. I said that that’s how I felt in the water with him and we laughed. I thought about how that was probably a father and child playing around at the beach like me and my Dad would have done when I was a baby, it made me smile.

Pre-session sense check (12 Jan 2016, 3pm – 1 hour before massage)

Physically – I woke up feeling groggy and stiff, especially in my knees and my upper back and upper arms. I still feel tired even though I had 10 hours of sleep (probably disturbed sleep) and I’ve not done anything challenging all day. My knees still feel tight but my upper body has loosened up.

Emotionally – I woke up feeling quite irritated as we had to move accommodation today and as we didn’t have a plan I felt a little stressed out and pressured about this situation (pre-trauma this wouldn’t have phased me in the slightest). Other situations throughout the day have left me feeling defensive, stressed, frustrated, low in confidence and generally negative. I feel like I could cry but I’m pushing it back down because I’m out on a moped today and feel like I need to stay clear headed in order to ride competently.

Post-session sense check (12 Jan 2016, 7pm – 1 hour after massage finished)

Physically – I feel very relaxed, free of tension in my knees and upper body. My skin also feels really nice too, almost as if it’s been refreshed and rehydrated. It’s not that it felt bad before, it’s just that there is a noticeable difference to how it feels now, it’s an almost tingling feeling. I don’t have any pain or stiffness in my body like I did this morning, but I don’t feel exhausted which I can do after a massage. I feel relaxed and energised.

Emotionally – I feel positive and there is a sense of acceptance of myself at the moment. I feel a lot less judgmental towards myself and I feel a sense of inner confidence too, especially when I’m riding the moped. I feel the way I did when I was in Koh Phangan two years ago when I was nipping around the island confident enough to do anything I put my mind to. I do however feel upset but rather than dwelling on it, it’s more like I’m content with what has happened to me recently. I wonder if this might be because I had to completely give up control while I was in the water which is something that I don’t like to do (especially not after the attack) but it’s as though this experience has shown me that it’s ok.

Overall Review

Overall I was very pleased with the wataflow massage and I think it meets a large criteria in terms of it being a therapy, however, I think there are a few key things that can affect the experience which need to be taken into consideration which I will elaborate on later in this part of the review.

The theory behind Wataflow makes complete sense to me and although there doesn’t seem to be much research (lab or case study) on this as a therapy it’s clear that it works under the same principles as meditation, the meridian energy system and also general massage relaxation. As well as working to calm the mind and release emotional blockages I also imagine that Wataflow could be used as a type of exposure therapy, especially in regard to PTSD triggers. In my experience, I had to give up complete control which firstly is something difficult to do when experiencing PTSD because there is such a big fear associated with loss of control. However due to giving up this control actually experienced a few triggers throughout the treatment which I might not have otherwise allowed myself exposure to, such as having my back pressed against something (the sea bed) and also having my hair flared across my face and the darkness and trapped feeling that this experience brought me. As one of the steps in trauma recovery is reframing triggers to make them feel safe again I really feel like the trigger exposure that I experienced whilst also feeling completely calm and relaxed has helped me reframe such situations in a positive light, which is why I see a potential for such a treatment to be used in exposure therapy. That said, I believe that there are two very important elements which can determine the success of a treatment if used as exposure therapy – firstly whether or not the client is ready and willing to face such discomfort (if you’ve read My Philosophy section you’ll see that I am). Secondly, it’s imperative that the client feels safe throughout the treatment and that comes down to the setting, the pre-treatment explanation and most importantly the therapist. The client obviously holds some responsibility to communicate how they feel but the therapist should also be intuitive enough to read between the lines and judge whether or not they actually do feel safe. It could be that the client is confused about how they feel or may be out of touch with how they actually feel and it’s very important that the therapist can read this (in the clients words, body language and actions). As I meditate daily I’ve learnt to become very in touch with how I feel and had I not felt safe then I would have communicated this and probably wouldn’t have got in the water at all. Even though I did feel safe I also felt a little anxious at the start of the treatment because this was a new experience but I communicated this clearly with Miguel and I could also see that he was intuitive to how I felt in his response towards me – be that in his body language, words and also actions before, throughout and after the session. This could be down to the experience Miguel has had with other holistic therapies such as reiki, holistic massage, craniosacral biodynamic, yoga, meditation and  free diving or it could just be down to his personal characteristics, either way there was definitely something very calming and secure in his nature which gave me the confidence to have such a sensual treatment with him.

I think another important elements of this treatment are the setting – having this treatment in the clear blue sea on a beautiful beach in Thailand whilst the sun shines through the water and onto my skin as I’m brought to the surface – it felt as amazing as it reads. If this treatment was to be done in a chlorine filled echo-y swimming pool it might not have the same effects and I don’t know if that’s because of the natural effect of the sea and tide or a placebo effect that this setting has on people who aren’t brought up in hot idyllic countries. Miguel believes that there are therapeutic properties of experiencing the treatment in the sea, as it is a natural medium of our bodies and thus gives us a strong connection with nature which I also believe could be true.

Currently as I’m travelling on a shoestring it’s unfeasible for me to commit to having more sessions of Wataflow at present but I would definitely recommend this as either a one off treatment or as a series of treatments for someone who is looking for an exhilarating but relaxing experience, providing that they feel safe to be submerged in water. I think there is great potential for this treatment in terms of exposure therapy as well but probably not without the consultation of a psychological therapist first (luckily I have one of those at hand). Either way, it was enjoyable, relaxing and refreshing so I hope to see and experience more of it in the future.

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**UPDATE** Second Session – Wataflow as a potential exposure therapy?

After reading the review Miguel gave me a complimentary treatment to explore the possibilities of using Wataflow as an exposure treatment. After discussing my thoughts and feelings about the first massage with Dr Jenn and the how it had helped me become aware of some more triggers we both thought that this would be an interesting idea. Before the massage Miguel carried out another consultation with me and particularly spoke about how he was going to gradually put me under triggering situations, getting more intense throughout the massage. I agreed to try this out and we began the massage with the breathing exercises on the beach again. The difference between this massage and the last one is that I felt a little more resistant to being put in positions that triggered me, and I believe this is because I knew that it was going to happen so I had subconsciously built up some fear around this. I did however, persist and try to fight against the fear but it was noticeable more difficult. To persist I literally chanted positive affirmations in my head that I’ve been doing in situations when I feel under attack, which go something like I am safe and protected, I am safe and protected over and over again. In PTSD treatment this is called reframing, it’s basically getting the logical part of my brain to override the reactive (fight/flight/freeze) part of my brain, stopping it from reacting and also disassociating the trigger with the attack. Obviously by doing this underwater I had made this a bit more severe for myself but I’m not known for taking the easy route and I knew deep down that I could handle it, so I pushed through with this. The first trigger occurred when Miguel tried to push my back on to the sea bed with my legs at right-angle, and I actually did push out of this one because I was slightly fearful. However, his response to this was to work more slowly with the submersions that he knew would trigger me and build them up more gradually. This meant that he did a lot of movements where my hair was in front of my face and he pulled me through the water by my hair and very close to the sea bed. Although I didn’t touch it, I was aware it was there. Gradually, he started to lay me down on my back, hold me down by pressing down on my legs at right angles and finally he was able to curl me up into the foetus position and hold me down with his foot pushing against my shins while I lay curled up, back against the seabed.

The end of the treatment followed the same process as the previously reviewed massage and Miguel maintained consistency throughout the procedures which is something that I look for in a therapy as signifies professionalism and confidence of subject area.

Looking back on the second treatment I was actually quite surprised with myself and it’s given me a lot more confidence throughout my daily activities. Personally, I think if someone had told me that I was going to be held underwater in the foetus position underneath their foot, I would have been more worried for their safety than mine. However, as I actually managed to override my reactive response to fight back and re-frame a non-threatening situation it gives me the courage to work on my other triggers.

I want to create a world of greater wellbeing for ourselves and the planet that we live on. That’s why I’m starting an honest conversation about wellbeing; encompassing self care, emotional intelligence, body and mind awareness, personal development, and authenticity. If you want to learn more about these subjects then then head over to www.shereensoliman.com to find out more about the packages I offer.

Sending self care vibes,

Shereen x

Are You Using Your Tools For Good or For Bad?

It’s still a bit strange being back home. I remember being here and hating it, feeling like I didn’t want to be here but I couldn’t escape either. To me, everything was just negative. Looking back I can see that my perspective was a complete reflection of how I was viewing the World back then. Nothing’s actually changed, but I’m more at peace with what’s happened and I’ve let go of a lot of internal turmoil. I know this because the first thing that people have greeted me with is “You look great”, rather than “How are things?” – Thank you, Bali, my new friends and all the therapies that I explored whilst on my travels.

I was away for four and a half months in total, and I’ve been away for longer before, much longer but the difference, this time, is that I had the motive to better myself and this made all the difference to the trip. I wasn’t deluding myself in the myth that everything was ‘fine’ and that I was ‘ok’. Instead, I acknowledged that I had been through some traumatic life events in a short space of time and that I was having certain emotions because of this, and that if I wanted to get better then I would need to accept these emotions and  focus on myself. This intention affected the way I used certain tools in my life.

Depending on how you view things, everything can be seen as a tool and therefore they’re subjected to being used negatively or positively. If a tool is used in a positive light then usually good feelings come from this, however, if they’re used in a negative light then, in the end, you’ll just feel worse, at least that’s what I discovered.  I know this can sound a little confusing, so I’ll elaborate on it a little bit…

What do I mean by ‘tools’?

I spoke about tools in my last post, with regards to acquiring new tools to move forward with self improvement and personal development but tools can literally be anything and everything and it’s how they’re used that makes the difference. There are physical tools like alcohol for example. It’s a drink which can be enjoyed, used as a treat or as a relaxant, conversely, it can also be used in excess to help escape emotions, or when socialising is too difficult without it (because most of the Western society is wrapped in a heavy cloak of shame… alcohol lifts this temporarily). So the question that needs to be asked to find out if it’s negative or positive motive is ‘Why are you using this tool?’ As I write this, it’s the evening and I’m having a glass of Shiraz. I felt like having a glass of wine and last night a friend and I talked about how Earnest Hemmingway was famously quoted “write drunk, edit sober”, so I figured why not – maybe there might be a productive outcome. The thing is that I’ve checked in with how I feel and why I have the desire to drink a glass of wine. I have no negative feelings to escape and I actually desire the taste of a decent red, so I’ve poured one glass. I’m enjoying it, it’s relaxing me and overall I feel like it’s having a positive effect on me. However, I witnessed a different use of this tool earlier today as the local drunken men stumbled out of the pub next to the salon where I work, shouting and stumbling about as one fell over, banging his head on the concrete, causing for an ambulance to be called. When I saw this I wondered what the motives were of this man and why he felt the need to drink to excess?  Escapism, numbness or a total avoidance of life altogether maybe? This isn’t an uncommon situation in the place where I live, and I think it’s becoming more prevalent in the West altogether.

It’s not just alcohol that I see getting abused regularly where there could be an emotional imbalance. Food is often abused too, it’s a source of energy for use but I’ve seen it used as a tool for comfort and control too. Television and telephones are also easy devices to escape into when the conversation gets heavy or when a silence becomes awkward. Maybe you find yourself becoming excessively ‘busy’, which is actually one is my personal favourites. You’ll know if I’m escaping my emotions because my diary will look like the picture below and it’s because internally I’m skipping around the Avoidance Fun Fair, being chased by the Emotional Cat.

But feelings can also be used as tools as well. Love for example, it can be unconditionally used in a positive light and it can be used to manipulate other people to achieve an objective. Even counselling methods can be used for positive or negative, Neuro-Linguistic Programming has been used to help countless people deal with difficult life situations but it’s also used as a sales tool to unaware customers.

I’ve come to a point where I’m using mindfulness as a tool to discover the underlying motives for my actions and sometimes I’m questioning everything.  It originally started back in January when I was smoking – something I’d started up again when my father passed away – and Dr. Jenn asked me to do a mindful smoking exercise, to literally meditate whilst smoking (I used the headspace ‘cooking’ meditation and just applied it differently). It made me think about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Particularly why did I feel the need to smoke? Was I addicted? And if so why? I mean, I’ve watched the Johann Hari TED talk about addiction and how it’s a substitute for not having a fulfilled life so logically I knew there was a reason behind this, however, I was obviously comfortable being oblivious to the reason. Why was that?

What I found was, that once I had rolled the cigarette, lit it and smoked a few puffs that I didn’t actually desire it anymore. I also found that there were some pretty heavy feelings that I was avoiding letting up too. Vulnerable feelings, the kind of broken feelings that make you want to cry and hide away from the world. There was a physical heaviness in my chest, my heart, the same pain I felt when I missed my Dad and to be quite honest sometimes I just didn’t want to deal with it, so I didn’t. That’s why I was smoking – when I didn’t want to talk, it was easy to stick something in my mouth so I didn’t have to. Ultimately all this did was push down these emotions temporarily, which is actually very unhealthy as this great podcast explains – it’s one by the Christ Church London and although I’m not religious I can appreciate that the information about managing emotions is very beneficial. What I came to find out for myself is that emotions need to be expressed and suppressed ones need to be unpacked in a healthy fashion (Check out my 5 Steps to Unpacking Emotions post) and talked out so that a positive mental state can be reached and the abusive use of tools can subside.

So I leave you with this – what tools do you use? Why do you use them? If you don’t know or you come up with a quick answer then why not tap into the moment that you desire a tool and ask yourself ‘What is it that I am craving right now?’ Maybe you’re using the tool for a positive motive, but it could be negative too. You’ll only know by delving deeper into your psyche and finding out.

I want to create a world of greater wellbeing for ourselves and the planet that we live on. That’s why I’m starting an honest conversation about wellbeing; encompassing self care, emotional intelligence, body and mind awareness, personal development, and authenticity. If you want to learn more about these subjects then then head over to www.shereensoliman.com to find out more about the packages I offer.

Sending self care vibes,

Shereen x

What Do You Need Right Now?

I remember as a kid, how my Dad would sometimes have a tear in his eye when talking about a situation at work. The difficulty of having to tell someone they’ve got cancer, listening to a patient’s last wish when they knew they were near the end, or speaking to the parents of a recently deceased child. That one was always the worst.

To experience the death of your child, before you rather than the other way around. I can’t Read More »

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Bali Sunrise

How often do we avoid our emotions? Especially the more negative ones? I’ve started to realise that for me, it’s quite often, as though I’m some talented Master Emotion Smuggler. However, this strategy is somewhat challenging these days as my emotions seem to be popping up and out all over the place when various triggers come about. It’s a bit like one of those wack-a-mole games in an amusement arcade – they keep popping up, I keep batting them down, but then they pop up again. It’s never ending.Read More »

What is the Impact of Mindfulness in Trauma Recovery?

This week I’ve been in Amed, north Bali, a sleepy little rural village well known for idyllic diving. Whilst here, I’ve been lucky enough to have some amazing dives, including a night dive on the USAT Liberty Wreck which houses an abundance of beautiful marine life due to the nutrient rich waters flowing through the lava encrusted wreck.Read More »