I recently posted about what it’s like to have a relationship after having PTSD, and I think I covered quite a lot of things that everyone goes through when it comes to relationships, ptsd or not. Mainly I spoke about the fear that surrounds my decisions, the worry of whether or not this is the ‘right’ person to be with. Should I commit further or bail out now while there is still time?
The funny thing is that, prior to posting the blog article I found myself talking to a friend about her relationship. One which is entwined with her work, and her identity. A couple so close that they’re almost one. They’re at the point where there are lots of changes happening and the fear was cropping up big time.
She told me of her worries for the future. That she would find superficial things to focus in on and use it as was evidence to start an argument with her partner. Using one small insignificant thing to question the whole relationship.
I couldn’t help but think of the irony of this whole situation as I told her about the blog post I’d written but not yet posted, and that I was experiencing exactly the same thoughts too. We discussed these fears and we picked them apart – one of the things I’m known for throughout my friends, allowing the space to express these fears, unravel them and come back to earth with two feet on the ground. I’ve done it so often for myself over the past few years that I’m happy to share this art form with others, such a weird, unique yet valuable skill.
The thing is that when it comes to big vulnerable life choices like ‘who should I spend my life with?’ we have to ask ourselves what really matters when it comes to it?
Does it really matter that our significant other does stuff that sometimes annoys us, or is it more important that they show love and care towards us when we’re vulnerable?
Does it really matter that we don’t agree with the style of clothing that they choose to wear, or is it more important that they show values like respect towards themselves and others?
Does it really matter that they might be quite a ‘bit older’ or in a ‘different social class’, or even from a different country, or is it more important that they honour diversity and equality in people.
Quite often our ego will give us excuses to push someone away because deep down we’re scared of being vulnerable.
But underneath all this noise of the ego, are the real things that we need to look out for.
The values that someone demonstrates in their actions over time.
The actions that show the values they’re made of.
Like when our significant other forgives us when we’ve been out of line, and shows us compassion when we express the pain underneath our actions.
Like when they take care of us when we’re ill or when they’re present for us when we’re upset, showing that love, care and presence.
Like when they listen to what we have to say, whether it pleases them or not because it’s the truth and they appreciate the honesty.
It’s the values that we see over time that show us who that person really is at their core, and it’s the values that really matter when it comes to choosing who we should spend our time with.
So if you too have fears coming up like so many of us do, ask yourself if those things are the things that really matter? Or if they’re superficial excuses that your ego is bringing up through fear of vulnerability, commitment or the future?
Strong values are always worth the fighting through the fears.
I’m on a mission to create a greater sense wellbeing for ourselves and the planet that we live on. To teach others how to connect authentically with themselves, so they can connect authentically with others. It starts with learning self-awareness, maintaining a strong value system that serves us, and having the emotional intelligence to move through a whole spectrum of emotions so we can connect without attachment.
If you want the EQ tools to master your emotions and life an empowered life then, sign up to my newsletter for monthly insider tips on how to do this. My subscribers get access to free tutorials and are the first to know about exlusive offers on my Empower Yourself Program. If you’ll like to find out more about the workshops, training and tailored coaching packages I offer, head over to www.shereensoliman.com.
Sending you integrity and strength, Shereen x