When Saying No Has Consequences

The topic of consent has been popping up in my life quite recently. It’s been sparked off by the Harvey Weinstein scandal, which is all over the media and even though I don’t follow mainstream media the story somehow infiltrated my life. This, in turn, ignited the #metoo social media campaign which has then sparked off a lot more conversation, around sexual abuse, consent and a certain kind of negative sexual behaviour which is so often dismissed that it’s unfortunately it’s become a normality in our culture.

Firstly – it’s about time we started talking about this because it’s been underground for far too long. In fact, it’s so underground that a lot of people can’t actually believe it’s a thing at all. It’s not their fault that they don’t believe it at first, in reality most of us go through life viewing our personal perception as the general experience of all. To someone who would never dream of sexually abusing someone else, they may therefore assume that none of his friends would either, thus deeming that the reality of this happening is relatively small. Unfortunately this perception isn’t reflective of the experience of a lot of people, and anyone who has experienced sexual abuse will know about the shame and guilt that comes with telling the story. They’ll also have probably experienced firsthand the judgement that comes when they tell people, the questions that automatically assume that the victim is at fault: “What were you wearing?” and “Were you drunk?” were two common questions that I was often asked when I first told people that a man had voilently attacked me to try and rape me. So is it a surprise that we don’t feel comfortable to offer our stories at the dinner table, let alone reporting it? Because of this, these stories aren’t shared as common knowledge, they’re kept inside and suffered in silence because most people don’t feel safe enough to even voice them with their closest friends and family. If you’re reading this and still think that it’s not an issue, then start listening to the conversations of those around you and in a non judgmental manner* start asking people for their stories, what comes back might just widen your perception.

As this story has unravelled, and in the conversations I’ve had especially, I’ve found myself explaining the concept of consent frequently and it’s seems to be something quite misunderstood. There’s some really great public campaigns creating awareness about how important consent is, one great one in the UK which explained it in a metaphor of offering someone a cup of tea and that you wouldn’t force someone to drink a cup of tea against their will if they’d already said ‘no’ – you can imagine the humour in this with a nation that is so polite with the treasured ritual of the famous ‘cuppa’. What it seems to miss out though, is the issue of consent when one person is in a position of power, which they could use against the person with less power if they don’t get what they want. Quite often in situations where sexual abuse takes places there is a power dynamic which is being abused, be it physically or like in the Harvey Weinstein case – the power of one person’s career prospects. To me, consent isn’t just about saying no. It’s about having the opportunity to say ‘no’ without consequences.

Consequences such as the other person reacting negatively like becoming dismissive, moody, even ending the relationship and all that has been built to create it so far.

Consequences like losing out on something external of the situation that a person has worked so hard to achieve, like a career, an opportunity or their reputation.

Consequences like personal safety, that if the person with less power doesn’t just give in and give the person with power what they want that things might just turn that little bit nasty.

I’m not saying that we need to have sit down discussions at length prior to having any sexual encounter because I know how these things arise and nobody what’s to spoil the mood. But what I am saying is that the vulnerable person in the sexual dynamic (the one that has the least power) has to feel safe enough to say no if they choose to and that it’s up to the person with the power to create that safe environment. The only way we can do that is by having this conversation about sex, safety and what consent actually means to us as individuals. And I don’t mean “What do you think about this Weinstein scandal” conversation starter in the office. I mean talking in depth, to those people close to us about the vulnerable details of our own experiences and what makes each of us feel comfortable and safe. Talking to those who we know would have had different sexual experiences from ourselves. If you’re a man, talk to a woman. If you’re straight, talk to someone who has had homosexual or bisexual relationships. If you’re monogamous, why not talk to someone who’s polyamorous? It’s only by widening our perception that we can learn more about the world and other’s experiences, and it’s only through sitting through the discomfort of others painful stories that we’ll start building up compassion within ourselves.

We need to start reflecting about our experiences too. Think about those times that you’ve had sex and it didn’t quite feel right – why was that? Did you not actually want it to happen? Or maybe you pushed yourself on someone and they gave in because of that? If you’re unsure can you open that conversation with that person and get some home truths aired? Don’t beat yourself up for something you weren’t aware of at the time though, because it’s not product to wallow in guilt. Just use this awareness to apologise and rectify the situation if you need to and change your behaviour going forward.

Without this kind of open awareness, reflection and compassion we’re not going to be able to create the respectful and safe world that we all deserve. So keep talking, keep challenging your own opinion and most of all listen, compassionately.

*A non-judgmental manner means to react neutrally to the answer that is given, regardless of how you feel. It means to allow space to listen, receive and for that moment sit in the awkward discomfort with the other person and feel what they are actually feeling. I write discomfort because that’s what it is at best, at worst it can be shameful, upsetting or deeply crushing. It is your obligation as the receiver to listen, without comment as someone expresses what is probably extremely difficult for them. And if you still don’t understand what that means then you obviously need to do some more reading.

Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash

 

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2 thoughts on “When Saying No Has Consequences

  1. I don’t see the powerful over the vulnerable as being a sexual dynamic. It’s a power grab. In cases like harassment, being safe to say no and that being respected is certainly an issue for the vulnerable. I’m not denying that.

    But unfortunately that leaves the vulnerable with a need to fend these unwelcome advances off. Not that they asked for such impingement on their boundaries. I’m not blaming the target. (I hate the word victim)…

    The underlying problem is that the vulnerable are being set up a lot of the time. Weinstein is one example of setting up his targets to meet one on one at restaurants or get them into a room alone to specifically pressure his targets.

    Like a boss who hires an employee because the boss sees a “thing” vulnerable that might be easy to take advantage of. And I say “thing” because there is no way these pigs who target and then harrass to no end, see their target as a human being with feelings, a life, etc.

    What we’re talking about here are situations where much of the time, the asking in the first place is entirely inappropriate. The underlying message is there, “Do this or else…” That’s the foundation of the problem. It’s the inappropriate behavior that needs stopping, then the safety of saying no is a non-issue.

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    • Hi Sleeping Tiger, thanks so much for your comment, you’ve raised a really valuable point! I completely agree with you, it is a total power grab. I can’t answer for those people who lure their ‘objects’ into vulnerable situations and I also wonder if that’s how certain people in power view the people who they try to take advantage of. It’s actually the reason why I’m trying to get conversations started on this subject – so we can see past objectification and see each other as humans. On the same token, we have to view the people who are taking advantage of others as humans too, with vulnerabilities, feelings and also the ability to reform and correct their behaviour once they’re aware of it.

      You and I obviously view this behaviour as disgusting, however to someone who commits it they may have detached themselves from any wrong doing and even have a way of justifying it to themselves, their reasoning may also stem from a deep sense of pain from something they have experienced. Also in a world where we don’t openly talk about these topics, let alone challenge this behaviour, it can allow someone to create an illusion that justifies their behaviour.

      Personally I try to compassionately call out any kind of behaviour that I think is inappropriate when I see or experience it, and I can only hope that people who read this blog have the courage to do so as well. Or at least I hope some people read it and reflect upon their own behaviour.

      Thanks again for your comment.

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